my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
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HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money