When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
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Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.