Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
You Might Also Like
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I wish I were this cool 😂
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him