[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
me linking you to my twitter
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad