person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
You Might Also Like
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
😂😂😂
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Care for your back
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left