I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”