Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
You Might Also Like
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.