i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
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23. the denim jacket
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
🤣😈🤣