The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
You Might Also Like
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.