If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
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Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.