To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
This is me 🤣🤣
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.