Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
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What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.