Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
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How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber