When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
(Musicians.)
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.