My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
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Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.