*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
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When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.