My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
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Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.