If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.