a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
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“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Home #decor warning.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand