If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Breaking news:
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.