why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
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No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.