I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
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him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”