I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
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We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
finally found a reasonable question
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Generation gap…
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.