Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
LA today:
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock