That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
True statement👍😏😁
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does