14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
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I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
それは草
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.