Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
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Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!