Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
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Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning