18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
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Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
You are what you delete.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf