Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
You Might Also Like
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
This kinda thing happens to me often
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”