If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
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Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG