Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
File under excellent bookstore names.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
“HOW” – dyslexic owl