You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
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[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.