me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
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Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok