WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee