I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
i meant to share this earlier
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
just pretend nothing happened
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?