if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I’d hang this in my house.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Spotted in New Orleans.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!