My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
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King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.