“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
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[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”