Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
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“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out