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dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Why soy sad?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”