WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
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My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit