The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
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I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”