A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
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RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.