The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
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There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Your honor these allegations are
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Selfie
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.