I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Deer are just ballerina dogs
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway