Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
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So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
i’m sure it’s fine
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
happy friday
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.