You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
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We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
this is the news I live for
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*