Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
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Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.