Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
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When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I believe the plural is “milves.”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Autocorrect completely socks
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.